The Pressures of Separation – Some Tips on Working Through Separation Anxiety in Your Dog

The vocalization and panting, uncontrollable drooling, destruction of property – all common symptoms of separation anxiety in dogs, and none of them pleasant.  Not to mention that nobody likes to see their little furry love getting so worked up over something that is a natural part of life.   We humans have places to go and things to do that can’t always involve our fur-kids!

Sometimes dogs develop separation anxiety because they haven’t had many opportunities to be alone (like in a household where someone works from home or doesn’t work and has much more time to spend with them).   And so they are afraid and stressed by the thought of being independent because they don’t know how to be.   Some dogs develop separation anxiety because they’ve built up a negative association to being left alone (for too long of a time, without proper stimulation, etc).  And some dogs are just generally anxious to begin with so the anxiety of separation is an extension of that.

I’ve done some recent presentations and have been working with several people lately whose dogs exhibit pretty severe separation anxiety.  Working through separation anxiety is a process – there usually isn’t a “quick fix” – but sometimes there are small tweaks we can make to adjust the lifestyle approach to being left alone that makes all the difference for our dogs.  Perhaps you’ve already seen my article NO, Don’t Leave Me! Dealing With Your Dog’s Separation Anxiety.  Here are a few more things to consider and try to build your dog’s feelings of independence and decrease his separation anxiety…

Don’t talk to or acknowledge your dog when you are leaving or when you first return to him.  For an anxious dog, this could feed into the “wait, where are you going?!” anxiety or the “thank God, I missed you and didn’t know how to survive without you!” dependency.  As tough as this may be for us, resist the urge to say “bye Buddy, you be good and I’ll see you soon” as you’re walking out the door and “hey Buddy, did you have a good day?!” as you’re coming home.

Of course your dog loves you (and we want him to)!  But if he only loves you and can’t find other rewards that can have high value to him, that can be a major problem when you are now no longer part of that equation because you have to go to work or, God forbid, want a night out with the girls/guys.  So what do you do?  Work on expanding your dog’s “value hierarchy” – a list of items and/or circumstances that hold greater value and motivation for your dog, ranked in order of importance.  If you can add more things to your dog’s value hierarchy that have equal (or even greater!) value for him than you do, you can use these items/circumstances to change his association of what it means for you to leave him.

Practice desensitization and counter-conditioning techniques to help your dog build good associations with the things that signal to him that you may be leaving soon.  For example, it’s no big deal if you put your shoes on, brush your teeth or grab your keys!  If you do these things several times a day when you are NOT leaving, and then you make it really rewarding for your dog when you do, he may actually start liking if you do these things instead of getting stressed about it!

If my dog starts getting worked up when I’m brushing my teeth, and I give her treats, aren’t I just reinforcing the anxious behavior or, at best, distracting her from it? you may ask.  This is where timing of the reinforcement can play an important role.  Not if you give her some treats before and during the teeth-brushing to help her realize good things happen when you do these things (and you can catch her before she gets too anxious and help her remain calm).  If she goes from 0 to 60 too quickly, you may have to break the lesson down into smaller slices – i.e. reward her just for seeing you pick up the toothbrush, then for applying the toothpaste, then for bringing the toothbrush to your mouth, etc. 
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We're also not using the treats as a distraction but for the redirection (of what we would rather him do instead) and reinforcing that good choice.  For example, giving your dog a chew or a puzzle toy before you leave him will give him something to occupy his mind and work out his emotional energy in a productive way.  (Make sure to give him a minute or two to get into it before you leave; if you leave right after handing it to him, he may not want to have interest in the chew and will associate it with your leaving.)  But if he can get “lost” in these other things that hold great value for him, he will be less likely to care about what you are doing because he’ll be happy with what HE is doing!

Take the pressure off yourself and your dog.  Often times, when we are focusing on something so much, there's a direct energy between us and what we're focusing on.  Well, dogs pick up easily on this energy and will know something is up.   Being as casual and nonchalant as possible can make a big shift in the energy that your dog will feel.  Act like you're not leaving (even if you are).  Walk around or sit in the house for a few minutes as if you'll be doing that for a while and pretend leaving is a last-minute decision you made on a whim and not something you've been preparing for over the last 5 minutes (even though, really, you have).

​Make training flow in part of your normal everyday lifestyle so it doesn't really feel like "training" to your dog - it's just the "new normal".  Then it also won’t seem like more work for you because you won’t even have to put a lot of effort into thinking about doing it – with practice, it will just come naturally (like saying “thank you” when someone gives you a compliment).  For more on building this lifestyle mentality, see ​​Behavior is a Lifestyle - Building Your Dog's "New Normal".

If you can help your dog realize that it's no big deal if you leave - and give him plenty of practice having a good time without you - he'll be much less anxious and much more comfortably independent.  After all, no healthy relationship involves both parties needing to be together ALL the time!  Learning to enjoy some things on his own, and then spending time with you when you both have the opportunity, will not only help your dog be a happier version of himself - it will also create a more healthy, balanced relationship between the two of you and harmony in your household!