A Heart Broken is a Heart Healed by Love

For many of us, losing a beloved pet is as difficult as losing any other close loved one.  Our pets are not just animals that live with us.  They are furry family members who we love, laugh and cry with.  They love us unconditionally, whether we get a terrible haircut, go on vacation without them, forget to feed them dinner, fall in and out of love with significant others, or move them across the country.  They are not our whole world but they make our world whole.  We feel their loss just as deeply.

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​​Last Thursday, I said goodbye to my beloved kitty Chloe.  I have lost many loved ones in my life, both through illness and tragedy. I have also lost many childhood pets which will always remain special to me. But this time is different. It's different to grieve over someone I'd been sharing my home with and her memories surround me no matter where I look or what I hear or what I feel.  My space was her space and every shared space has meaning.  I was responsible for giving her the love and life she deserved, and she depended on me.

​I can understand why people say a parent feels so strongly when they lose a child.  No, Chloe was not my human baby; I did not birth her or carry her inside of me, and physically we do not share that bond.  But I did nurture her from a sick kitten and spend 14 1/2 years with her by my side through thick and thin.  There were times when it was just her and me, and the emotional bond we shared can never be broken.  She was my fur-baby, and to me that matters all the same.

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​It all started when my bosses at the ad agency where I worked immediately after college knew that I wanted a pet. I finally had my own apartment and so for my Christmas bonus they gave me a check to cover the adoption fee at the SPCA. I went that Friday but left without a pet because I couldn't decide. Then I went back the following morning, December 11th 2004, and fate had stepped in.

That morning someone had dropped off a litter of kittens. The staff hadn't even gone through which were boys or girls yet so I volunteered to help them - and that's when I spotted this little ball of pewter fur in the corner of that box. She had ringworm - but having worked at a vet hospital all through high school that was no concern for me. When the staff member asked me what I wanted to name her, I picked the name I swore I had reserved for my firstborn child: Chloe.  I nursed her back to health and a week later she was vibrant as any other 8-week-old kitten - climbing, jumping, and hiding in ANY box, bag, or basket she could find.

​I fondly remember the time shortly after I got her when my grandmother came up to visit.  Always the fashion fleet, my grandmother wore a fur jacket with fur ball-shaped tassels on the belt.  Chloe wouldn't stop jumping up to bat at the dangling balls, thinking they were there just for her!  Or the time when the two of us stayed with my parents for a couple of weeks before I started working at Guiding Eyes.  Chloe decided to lay on our family dog Sandy's blanket, which Sandy didn't accept - so Sandy tried to pull it away but Chloe wouldn't budge, so Sandy ended up pulling her around the dining room until she finally gave up!  Chloe certainly gave us all some good laughs over the years.

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​Chloe loved following me into the shower, curling up on my pillow at night, and when I held her upside down and drummed on her belly.  Her favorite spot was in my arms and she just had to be close enough to lick my nose or hug her arms around my shoulder and snuggle into my neck or she just wasn't close enough ❤ 

​We'd been through so much in 14 1/2 years together... 4 jobs, 11 homes, 2 marriages, 1 divorce, the arrival of her puppy brother Scout and the merging of a home with her kitty sister Abby. She'd been there as I mourned the loss of many loved ones who had passed.  And now I'm mourning for her.

Chloe was 5 years old when her fluffy Corgi puppy brother, Scout, arrived home. They were fast friends! She would let him herd her and he was always there to let me know when she was coughing up a hairball or getting into things she wasn't supposed to :-) Up until the very end he always kept an eye on her. I know he misses her.

​Grief does some interesting things to the body.  It has made me hear things that aren't really there (like a little meow around the corner when she isn't there) and tear up when I walk into her empty, silent room.  It has made me sob uncontrollably when I see a trailer for "The Art of Racing in the Rain" or when watching one of my favorite Disney Pixar movies on TV ("Finding Nemo" always reminded me of Chloe because Nemo has a "lucky fin" just like Chloe has always had a "lucky claw" - a deformity she never outgrew).

​I miss how Chloe loved to lick my nose and chin. How if I was sitting on the couch for any reason she needed to be sitting on top of me (which sometimes made it difficult to see my computer screen and answer emails!). How she would meow like crazy and do an "I'm hungry" dance when she felt it was feeding time, even if it was only 3:00 in the afternoon (which was annoying but hilarious all at the same time!). And most of all, how much she just loved me no matter what.  My heart is broken. But I know she's in a better place free of any pain or stress, and that my memories will bring me peace and help me heal.  She will live forever in my heart and never be far from my mind, and loving anyone that much is always a gift to be cherished.  I was extremely blessed to have her in my life for so long.

There's a saying that goes something to the effect of, "Animals come into our lives for many reasons.  They love us and share in our joy and guide us through the hard times.  And then, when we are finally able to stand on our own, they leave us."  Thank you, Chloe, for being there to love me and teach me so much;  I never could have done it without you.

Rest peacefully my little Chlo-Chlo, and know that you were very much loved and that we will be together again. Momma will think of you every day and smile.  Thank you for the memories.